I’m really happy.

Is it possible that the human passion for deep connection has something to do with the years writers spent crafting their literature—a nostalgia for the graceful conversations and shifting from topics to topics? Perhaps.

I am really happy. Do I have depression? Yes.

Am I really happy? Yes.

Right here.

Right now.

Maybe when you are reading this, I will be going through something else. But I’m really happy as I’m writing this now.

I owe an incalculable debt to many friends I’ve gotten to know better in the past few months. My interest to connect with strangers online returned to me this year around late March when, as a writer who had to work from home in a pandemic, I hopped on to Twitter to share my writing with others. Idly looking around at all the writer’s lifts and writer’s tags, then slowly learning to give feedback on others when their writing evokes something in me, I experienced a kind of epiphanal vision of a writing that would bring about genuineness and compassion to humanity. I resolved to devote myself to such the task.

Exactly when I started being open about my feelings, I started to feel love and support. And it led me to you. Yes, you, the one reading this now. While I have become accustomed to people sharing their ups and downs, I am still feeling extremely conscious about mine. Even so, I am still fascinated by the events and the conversations that form my life here.

Crowds. People, lots of them, there are also all sorts of them on Twitter. Communicating. Beyond the actual language barrier and cultural differences, there is also the complex unspoken language online. This language of implication often seems to be the case here, and it has the tendency to often make what you don’t say more important than what you do say. It’s a bit funny, fortunately I’ve been privy enough to notice subtleties.

But why I am telling you all of this? Maybe it’s because somewhere in the crowd, I saw you. You didn’t think I would, but I did. Just the same, you might have seen me when I was looking somewhere else. You see, I see your tweets as I scroll through the feed. I can see the words. Its meaning is left for me to decipher—to each their own imagination and experience.

Day after day come delightful discoveries: Hollis who has his soul on his Hong Kong beach, neon lights, and questionable life choices. Wrust putting on his suits and Billy’s around to love him. Robert is probably having ramen for dinner again, I wonder if he changes the flavours. Krys looks amazing as always with her hoodie on, I notice she really loves her teacups. Think the first Steve must be singing again as he drives his car and ponders on what’s for dinner (he’s also very proud of a certain rainbow keychain), the second Steve has a lot of work cut out for him, and he’s absolutely smashing it, I can’t wait to see him smiling. I really hope Vanessa’s bumble guy treats her with all the love she deserves. Scout’s probably having her beanie on like a thinking cap when she shares writing tips. Wes is sharing his wellness tips again, lovely, I always found them to be assuring. Kenny’s an amazing artist, very underrated too. Ah, that reminds me, I should see how Emily’s faring.

Xan has writing blueprints figured out, they have really nice handwriting, I hope they know that. Ellie’s interactions with anyone makes me giggle all the time. And oh, look! Kristy has shared another fun word of the day again! Is Whi and Biren walking down the streets in India observing the situation around them for their next post? I still don’t know how Maponi looks behind his shades—I reckon he has beautiful eyes though. I wonder, I wonder… Derrick is proud of his new playlist, I haven’t listened to it yet and I know I should. Eri should be so proud of herself for taking a huge step for a new chapter in her life. Meanwhile, Heather seems to be moving in a positive direction in taking a stand for herself, I know she’s strong to do it. Jess, ah well, she’s doing what she does best, being a mess and sharing vivid haikus. Rachelle, Mina, Richelle, Shruba, Alex, Nick, Brianna, Alice, Sam, Callum…

Ah, you see… there’s so many of you. I can’t count.

I’ve stopped counting the numbers of people who care for me.

Because they are all around me.

And they don’t have to assure me at all.

It is, I know, impossible ever to fully understand this complex nature of online interaction. Yet for the rest of my life, I have made a special point of checking up on these people and others to be sure they are all right. Thanks to writing, instead of seeing a single world—my own—I now see it multiply until I have before me as many worlds as there are these writers. Happiness cannot be measured, you see. It must be perceived. And to that, I say, “I’m really happy.”

You make me happy.

I hope you will see yourself with the eyes I see you one day. You’re such a beautiful human being. I hope you let yourself rest, don’t beat yourself up over past mistakes, over regret, and over everything your mind wants to destroy you. I wish I could remove all those demons inside of your head because you deserve to feel happy, to be happy. If you ever feel lonely, then watch the sky, because you know—someone, at the same time is watching the sky too, maybe feeling the same way.

I am glad you exist and I hope you won’t ever remove your own spot in this world. Maybe you don’t feel like you belong here but, Angel, then build your home here. I don’t want you to leave this world unhappy. I want you to live every little second, I want you to feel alive, I don’t want you to see yourself just existing. You deserve it. Whatever happened, it’s not your fault, the demons in your head recognize that you have a beautiful heart, they want to take it because they have never seen such beautiful heart as yours, don’t let them win. You’re not selfish for isolating yourself, but you deserve to talk to someone.

If you’re reading this, then please never forget to breathe and smile.

Lastly, I want to hear you echo these words…

“I’m really happy.”

…to yourself.

There's are plenty of you who have reached out to me in my DMs telling me about your life, opening up to me on extremely personal matters, letting me know what my writing has done for you, or how I have impacted you in some ways. I'm grateful, so grateful because you trust me so. It takes immense courage to open up to anyone, let alone a stranger on the internet. You are so brave, and I wouldn't want to let you down either. I'm not perfect, I will make mistakes. And I hope you know that you have made me a better person than I was yesterday. From the bottom of my heart, I cherish you.

5 Comments

  1. OMG! You stole my heart here, Lucid! I feel myself fortunate enough to be here with you and grateful for being a tiny part of your life. Definitely would love to listen you and see you around is a blessing for me! All those whom you’ve mentioned are a gem! I know it’s too personal for you, but somehow it’s mine too! Totally sweet and heartfelt post!

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    • Thank you so much for being such a great support and asking for nothing, Biren. I’m glad to have you as a friend. You’re definitely one of those who deserve good things and good experiences in life, but remember, you are also someone’s reason to smile on a rough day. Always take care, dear friend.

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      • I’m glad too, to have you as a friend of mine! I’ve already been paid off with a friendship of yours! So are you! Thanks my dear, you too look after yourself!

        Like

  2. Obviously this is well-written – you have your own style, and it’s flowing, and organic, yet also precise. But the message here goes beyond that, and you touch on it at the end of the piece. It’s not just about what you’ve gained, and how the interactions you have with others have enriched your own life. It’s also what you have done for other people; because you, brilliant author of this piece, have made an impact. Keep making waves.

    Liked by 1 person

    • “Keep making waves.” I love that, though sometimes I run away from the waves haha. But the waves can’t scare my tidal heart always. But you’ve got me thinking again… life, like a drip of water falling into a steady stream where the ripples are our actions and choices, and spaces in between. A ripple from another disruption, colliding, and those are the defining actions that changes our lives.

      Thank you, Hollis!

      Like

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